girls obsess about boys. why don’t boys obsess about girls? maybe they do, but i haven’t seen evidence of this phenomenon. anyway, girls obsess about boys.
girls get attached to a certain idea or feeling. the idea is usually a nice one, but sometimes the idea is certainly bad but the attachment still exists. i have had conversations with my friend, jen, about this. the attachment is unavoidable. even if you know “it’s better to have love and lost” or whatever. losing is okay, though i can’t say i’ve loved. wait, no, losing is not okay, but it’s tolerable? it’s understandable. sometimes things must be lost in order to understand why it’s better.
but i still find myself visiting stupid websites just to check up on recent disappointments. i have been thinking about it all too much lately (obsessing). it is better to lose paul now rather than later. although i was not getting my hopes up, i am still pissed and i feel rejected and disposable. he was a stupid boy but obviously i was not expecting much else. i would rather not have lost peter because he actually seemed to be one of the good ones. maybe he isn’t, how will i ever know? so he’ll be the boy of january that escaped.
the boys of january. if one is bad, was the other one good?
and the stupid thing is that i’m perfectly content to be single, but now that i don’t have classes or homework or any entertainment in my life, i am seeking the drama. i need something to think about and knit knit purl doesn’t quite do it for me all the time. that’s why i spent 3 days reading the latest jane magazine. i love that magazine.
i have finished all of my work for the day and now i am bored and staring at my computer. i have internet attention disorder. nothing is entertaining and anyway i am feeling on the verge of a crisis. maybe it’s just that time of the month. maybe it’s lack of sleep last night. i spent much time tossing and turning. what is wrong with my body? ok, i’m done now. i wish i was at home now.
i wish i was on vacation in morocco now.